I suppose it was all my own fault – you are going to tell me it is anyhow, but in my lovestruck state I walked straight into a mound of meerkat dung and slipped, head over heels straight onto my arse. I was at a friends house at the time and while no-one laughed at my misfortune they’d all commented on the stink. Quite rightly! My friend Lisa, whose house it was and whose pets the damned meerkats were, was very kind, giving me free use of her bathroom, soap, shower, towels, everything I needed to get clean and stink free again, with a brightly coloured and somewhat too small fluffy bathrobe to put on when I’d done.

That was when everyone began laughing, uproariously, even raucously when they saw me wearing it, even more so when they realised I’d left my wallet in the trousers which were currently spinning merrily in Lisa’s washing machine. Which is how I come to be in the naked state that you now find me. That’s my story anyway. Only when the others arrived, bringing my girlfriend and several of her cronies with them, did the riots begin.

“Trust you!” she snarled, jabbing at me with her handbag “Only you could fall over a pile of meerkat shit!”

Things progressed from there, in leaps and bounds, with little grunts and squeals in between. The meerkats all went off to fornicate in the garden and we all went into Lisa’s house to do the same. I suppose if I tell you we all had a good time you’d know I was only telling you one half of it!

Funny thing was, when I woke up the next morning I was the wrong way round in the bed. Or at least some of us were because the first thing I noticed was this rather grubby foot only an inch or so away from my face. It was a female foot, I surmised. Well it had painted toenails on it, though you can take nothing for granted these days can you? Painted nails and a little chain around the ankle with the word ‘asil’ on it in oddly shaped letters.

The second thing I noticed was the position of the bed relative to the rest of the room. In most bedrooms I think you will agree, the principal item of furniture, that is the bed, is normally close to, or perhaps at right angles to, one of the bedroom’s walls. Not so this bed! This one stood, or rather hunched, crookedly across the centre of the room with one of it’s corners decidedly lower than the other three.

I blinked myself into a degree or two of wakefulness, associated limbs responding dully to my requests for confirmation that they were still attached. My left leg responded almost immediately, all of it except for some toes which remained resolutely silent. My left arm on the other hand, although partly awake, was apparently trapped beneath a boulder or fallen tree, so great did the weight upon the upper part of it appear to be.

Blearily I realised it was probably the owner of the grubby foot who lay across my arm. I say blearily for not only was the bed and all its surrounding somewhat out of focus but for some strange reason it and they continually changed colour as well. Most disconcertingly.

The right side of my carcase replied to my requests about then, my arm with a twitch and a dull ache and my leg with a flurry of those little signals which denoted it had been left out in the cold. Apart from that all seemed well. My head was apparently, still attached to the rest of me, as were my arms and legs, with the possible exception of a few toes. Which left the problem of the trapped left arm and the likelihood of gangrene eventually setting in if a blood supply was not restored to it rather immediately..

It was at about that time that a couple more of my senses awoke. That is to say I first became aware of an odd mixture of smells then almost immediately after of the most excrutiatingly horrible taste in my mouth. Logic told me it must have been the wine I’d earlier consumed but I had the sneaking suspicion it was probably also something else. Like the whacky baccy we’d all smoked and the residues from dear Lisa’s pussy and feet.

It came back to me slowly then, some of it, not all of it, and then only fragmentary. Lisa, her boyfriend, me and……..my girl and her mates, someone’s sister…...or was it brother, and maybe…… but beyond that there were fewer people and many more blanks, more flashes of blackness, more sharply pointed handbags and overturned pedal bins..

It came back to me slowly then, bits of it. The striptease, the pizza….the…. the cheap amontillado we’d got on draught from the offie…… the funny cigarettes someone had had the nerve to bring…….

It came back to me slo…..oh for goodness sake!

The foot called ‘asil moved! Not by much but enough to …….to….to disclose the shreds of cheese and tomato sauce which were now apparently an integral part of the bedclothes……and the…….what was it…..ice cream. Oh hell yes, the ice cream! Fragmentary though they still were the memories of that icecrepade would possibly dissuade me from eating ice cream ever again. Chocolate flavoured ice cream certainly!

‘Asil’ groaned, lengthened, jerked and narrowly missed piercing my ear with a brightly coloured toenail. Had I really put those grimy appendages in…… my mouth? Had I?? Yes…..Well alright! So what if I had. In my time I’ve sucked and licked on both better and worse things…….

Mixed aromas swirled, became almost recognisable, almost…..almost thick enough to bite a piece out of. And it spoke!! ‘Asil’ spoke! Uttered some sounds closely akin to speech that is! Guttural sounds from the dawn of time, from a throat still partly choked with assorted phlegms, via a mouth still shaped by the mute horror from the things it had seen. If a mouth can actually see, that is…….

Horror? No, no! She’d been a willing enough participant, hadn’t she?

Willing? I’ll say! She’d instigated most of it.

Well perhaps not that particular part with the pizzas………but…….

“Urrrrrrr….!” ‘Asil’ said.

I understood entirely what she meant.

“Urr Urrrrr!” it said again, and I could do little but agree.

I found the strength from somewhere to focus both of my eyes and to move part of a steaming mounded heap of things. Bedclothes or clothes or something. Very nearly at the same time. No mean feat I can assure you, given the condition I was in.

There was a second and a third leg involved in the conversation, though whose they were was not altogether clear. Certainly one was very hairy and another rather smooth and slim. Such was my situation that I did not even recognise my own limbs readily and then only hazily…..only hazily…….

“URRRG!” ‘Asil’ emitted again.

No, there were five limbs there in a sort of plaited arrangement, maybe six I thought when I peered again. There’d have to be six, otherwise………

Isn’t it amazing the way breasts can appear much larger than they actually are when seen close up, especially those which are relaxed quietly in sleep. And a hairy leg can look rather like part of an ape, quite easily, especially when it is not one of mine. At least I didn’t recall any of mine being quite so hairy. This one lay across my belly like an ivy enshrouded treetrunk and……..attached to it, part way along, as if it had been discarded by a fleeing thief, was this enormous, gigantically hairy prick.

In some parts of the world anything which looked even remotely like that would have been surrounded by the natives and hacked into a million pieces with machettes but here…..here it’d probably win a Queen’s Award for Industry.

I knew then that I really was in bed with an ape. One ape, maybe two, judging by the guttural sounds that several of them were trying to make. Thankfully the prick was currently flaccid, had it been anything but I think I would have been very concerned for my safety.

For the moment I dared not move! What if………?

Then “Urrgghh!” grunted the something again. And the limb named ‘asil’ folded in the middle, bent at the knee, a smooth female knee in fact, and, when I blinked and looked again I discovered I could see a little more of the contents of the bed.

Not only were there an excessive number of limbs in it but there seemed also to be an odd number of unmatched breasts. Five didn’t ring true, or safe, or even sane, for a man like me to see first thing in the morning. One had a shiny steel pin through the nipple too but none were particularly hirsute, so maybe the ape……..?

But five? My thoughts wandered and wondered at this.

Because, for the moment I dared not move. Then, barely breathing I shut both eyes, gritted my teeth and slowly turned my head to one side. Oh my teeth were made of foam rubber, unmistakably and my tongue, possibly from some ancient piece of leather. Worse, as I turned my head it felt as if it had become detached from my body and fallen into the bottom of an overfilled pedal bin

Exquisitely though, when I opened my eyes again there was a perfectly shaped, babysmooth fanny only inches away from my face…….

That single vision was what awoke me entirely. Well alright, switched on about seventy percent of my brain then. Why you have to be so picky I don’t know. It isn’t as if I don’t keep you informed as to whats going on.

It was an enti………

Look, I wouldn’t have started this story if I’d thought it was going to upset you. I asked you and you said ok, so just shut up and listen or go away and let me tell someone else the rest of it.

It was an entirely relaxed fanny, rather like a truthful gynaecological diagram, without the distortions caused by fingers pulling it this way and that or the flattened, cowed appearance brought about by the tight crotch of knickers and without any detail hidden by the usual forest of hair. Had there been little numbered arrows pointing to the different parts I would not have been surprised. Had it been an inch or two closer I would have refreshed my vile tasting tongue in it. As it was, foreshortening, partial limb entrapment and the incipient effects of a massive hangover prevented me from doing anything more than simply gaze upon it rapturously.

So I did that for a while, studying and mentally measuring, contrasting and comparing until I came to the conclusion that the owner of the apparatus, whoever she was, was probably not my current girlfriend.

No, mine had definitely been a little hairier and a little …….well differently shaped, both there and…….and there…….

I think………….

Yes, most definitely different.

Maybe………..

Wherever the hell might my own girlfriend be, I wondered hazily. Included, indeed incarcerated, somewhere within the tangled heap I was in I supposed uncertainly. I blinked and stared and recognised none of what I saw, except of course the nearby fanny and not even that with any degree of certainty. And it was that uncertainty which both excited and worried me.

“Lie still!” a disembodied voice said.

“I’m not moving” I replied, not even knowing whether the instruction was meant for me.

“Yes you are!” the same voice told me “Your eyelids keep flickering. Both of them!”

Well I thought I remembered that voice, vaguely, from somewhere…….

“There you go again!” it said.

I had nothing more to say in my defence but neither could I refrain from blinking for suddenly a hand appeared between my face and the somnolent fanny, its fingers, adorned with so many rings it reminded me of a pawnbrokers window. Without preamble it began fondling the fanny familiarly.

“Aaaah!” a different voice murmured breathily.

Whether it was the same voice which had so recently but in a different tone, admonished me or another one entirely; I had no way of knowing. Nor did I care very much for the fingers and the fanny seemed to have a routine of some kind they were eager to show me.

Very soon the fanny awoke, parted it’s lips and began to speak. Or rather make the kinds of slippery wet noises such devices, when aroused, often make. I saw it in all its glory as those fingers caressed and fondled it, watched as it grew fatter and moister until, all of a sudden, with the tiniest of tremors, it ejected a plume of pale fluid most disconcertingly.

“Aaaahhhhh!” the same breathy voice enunciated again.

Then beside me and also beneath me, a number of bodies shifted ponderously. Pins and needles rushed to awaken my magically released left arm while the ape’s appendages removed themselves from my lower body.

So help me, not only did it have a frighteningly enormous prick but the scrotum appeared to be the size of a fully grown coconut.

Perhaps I should have given in there and then, submitted to my fate without a single shot being fired but there was something………something not quite right with all of this.

And when the ape lurched into a crooked kneeling position I realised a little tiny bit of some of it.

“Wurr!” the ape said peering at me querulously. It was the same language I’d heard earlier.

“Ber……Briann…..” the ape said gutturally. It sounded sort of like a question to me.

“No, I’m not Brian!” I said, a haze of stale sex rising like a nest of anacondas in front of me.

“No!” the ape said, quite distinctly “I’m Brian! Who are you and what are you doing in my bed?”

Now I know you are expecting me to say I replied to this question with some sparkling gem of repartee, but you’d be wrong. For the moment my voice, indeed all of my faculties, entirely deserted me. Dimly I saw several total strangers wriggle into existence in the bed around me, female, most of them and one, oh yes I had to look twice, three times……. one of them sporting but one single breast.

I think……….

“Oh it’s Jayne’s boyfriend, isn’t it?” one of the strangers said.

There was a ragged chorus of confirmations and denials and a threatening grunt from the very hairy an man.

I felt myself nodding dizzily, dimly. The room had become a rollercoaster again, a ski jump, a falling down the stairs on a Wednesday type severe pain in the neck.

“Jayne went off with Charlie and Fred, I think” something or other said.

The chorus of agreements and disagreements welled up again and I realised that, in the drunken, debauched stupor of the previous evening I’d got into entirely the wrong bed.

© Aahlu. Midsummer 2010.

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