Some time so soon after midnight that you could still hear the fading echoes of the bells, the rain clouds which had for most of the preceding evening veiled the sky with a leaden darkness, began to empty their engorged bladders across the grimy rooftops and dingy streets of the nameless city somewhere in the north country.

The old car lurched uncertainly as it rounded the corner, wipers writhing back and forth futilely against the weight of the rain.


"Drop me here!" Amber said pointing to her left.

"Wha....?" he began, steering the car into the side of the road.

"Here!" she cried, interrupting him.

He brought the car to a stop by a streetlight, the rain hissing like boiling steam against the grease smeared windscreen.

"Theres nothing....."

"No!"

She fumbled with the door, impatient in her haste.

"But you'll get soaked!" he said "Why can't I just take you there?"

"No!" she repeated, her tone sharp and insistent. The seatbelt clattered away from her as she unclipped it, let it go and opened the door.

"She said to tell you to go home!"

"But.......... the rain...........!"

Amber stared at him in the yellow glow of the streetlight.

"Stop worrying about the rain! I'll be alright....and......I’ll phone you when it's all over!"

He leaned across the passenger seat as she scrambled out, the smell of her thick and strong in his nostrils.

"If you're sure then....."

Too late for a goodbye kiss now.

"Yes, I am!"

She slammed the car door, its crash sounding to him horribly final.

Resignedly he stared at her through the streaming window. Already rain gleamed shiny and wet across the shoulders of her coat.

How far did she have to go, he wondered. She was in no fit state to walk very far.

She turned to wave briefly, as if to reassure him, then stepped quickly into an alley and was lost to his sight.

................................

At first the height of the buildings forming the walls of the alley sheltered her from the worst of the weather but after a dozen paces or so they became merely a series of single storey outbuildings and low brick walls. Soon her coat, which had been a cheap last minute sale item purchased from the local market, was soaked right through.

She stopped for a moment to listen. Distantly she heard the engine noise fade.

"Good!" she said aloud, "he's gone!"

She felt a huge sense of relief at that. As if a heavy weight had suddenly been lifted off her shoulders. Impatiently she tugged at the front of her coat, wanting to be rid of the clinging saturated garment in spite of the downpour.

Wetly the buttons slipped undone in her fingers and when the front of the coat fell open she was naked underneath. Naked and pinkly, hugely and heavily pregnant.

"Rain to wash away the smell of him" she murmured "to rinse away his every memory!"

Raindrops pounded her, hammering her swollen breasts and drum tight belly with a hollow rounded splashing sound.

Such a feeling! A thousand times better than that feeble shower over the bath in the flat! And cooler! Exhilarating!

For a moment she considered taking the coat off completely. It will soon be ruined anyway she thought. Fashion clothes are not much use in weather like this.

A primitive longing surged through her. Earthy and raw in it's intensity. And the voices inside her head spoke again.

"Go on! Do it now!" the first voice urged her.

"You have no time to waste" a different, tiny voice nagged.

"Plenty of time yet, my sweet!" argued another.

"But you must not leave it too long!" the tiny voice reminded again.

"Go on! Go on! Just do it now!" the first voice insisted.

Amber stood unmoving in the alleyway as the rain sheeted down.

Damn them all! She cried at the rain. I'll stay out here until I am ready!

"No, don't leave it too long!" another voice said, the woman whose cool hands had patted her belly that last time at the clinic two days ago.

Amber smiled to herself, thinking how cleverly the child lay inside her. Warm and round and safe inside her. In it’s own special water. Safe! Even the long probing fingers of the nosy woman at the clinic couldn't reach him and she’d no intention of going back again.

Because there was plenty of time!

She stroked her breasts luxuriously watching translucent milky beads appear instantly and, just as instantly dilute to nothingness in the runnels of rain. She pressed harder, bringing jets of pale liquid squirting and bubbling from her nipples but the deluge washed away all traces just the same. She explored the roundness of her belly, slowly, automatically, finding her taut, half inside out navel filled with water. How smooth the skin was! Sheer and sumptuous like fine silk under her fingertips. And beneath the bulge she found the sheltering forest saturated and dripping with a moisture which was not entirely rain.

Matted and tangled, darkly moist and mysterious it called out to her.

"Am I not the most wondrous of places? Lush and inviting with my secret dark cave? Will you not come in and play for a minute?"

And the first voice hissed to her again. "Go on, go on! Do it now!"

Wryly she remembered Marty and his one sided efforts. How he'd left her unfulfilled again and again in spite of all she had done for him. Thoughtless! But then that was typical of men generally and him in particular, she said to herself. Only Marty would have left her without so much as a parting kiss after all they’d been through together. He’d been unaware, so far as she knew, of her nakedness but for the coat, which proved even more she thought, how little he really looked at her.

The essence of him still lingered. Faintly, clinging to her in spite of the rain.

"Now! NOW!! NOW!!!"

Surely to goodness............ !

“Do it. Do it. DO IT!”

With a rain filled palm she massaged herself, cooling and cleansing and washing away his last vestiges from her hair, her fingertips combing the forest and the dark cavern within.

“NOW! NOW!” And her eager fingertips found the right place.

She felt immune from everything as she played with herself. The rain, Marty, men generally. Especially the rain! Saturated to the point of overflowing it was impossible for her to get any wetter.

Carelessly she shrugged off the sodden coat, letting it slip heavily down her arms and shoulders, falling away from her like the way of life she had now discarded. She took a step forward, only half feeling its heavy wetness slide past her buttocks. Then, as the rain seemed to pummel her with a renewed fury, slowly and exquisitely she began to masturbate, oblivious to everything except the familiar sequences of images in her head and the excruciating, exquisite urgency.



She had no need of saliva now. Of slippery, pouring lubrication she had more than enough. Her clitoris swelled with pride and importance while inside her another voice, her own, began to cry out in ecstasy.



Deliberately she drew back from the point of no return a moment before reaching it, then as the vivid images of her child’s conception began afresh, with a different sequence and a different theme, gently, as if for the first time, she caressed herself again.

.....................................

Earlier, when the first contraction woke her she'd tried to ignore it, not believing that it was, after all these months, really happening to her. She turned over and felt Marty turn with her, warmly, sleepily, under the quilt.

He'd murmured something then, his bony body long and longing against the curve of her back.

When the second contraction came, more than an hour later, he'd jerked awake in a panic as she groaned.

Just for a moment the pain held her there, tight in its embrace till the moan turned to scream and a sharp gasp for breath.

Then it was gone again, the roar of blood fading behind her brain.

She turned unsteadily, swung her legs out, sat on the edge of the bed.

"Amb?" the frightened voice of Marty beside her. Heaving bedclothes into a heap, reaching his hands out towards her tentatively.

"Can I.............. I mean..........." he began.

"I'll be....... alright in a.......... minute" she said, the effort of sitting up making her dizzy.

"Can I make you a drink?" he asked.

"I said I'll be........ alright in......... a minute!" she grated

"But.............."

"Look," she said "it's time! I’ll go and get a taxi. That would be best for both of us, don't you think?"

"Theres no money for a taxi" Marty said quietly, "and anyway I said I'd take you, when the time came, didn't I?"

"Well......yes." she agreed, "I just thought............."

"What?"

"I thought the car probably wouldn't start …………." she said, not meaning that at all but not knowing the right words, the right way, to tell him.

He struggled into a teeshirt, not noticing it was inside out. He found his pants and trousers on the floor where he'd dropped them, slipped them on, found shoes and put them on hurriedly.

"I'll go and try the old thing. See if there is life in her yet!" He forced the well worn joke again.

"Yes.......... "

He moved towards the door, shoelaces trailing, ends clicking like animals’ claws across the bare wooden floor.

"Won't be a minute. Have you got your bag and things?"

She nodded absently, wishing he’d go away quickly, out of the room, out of her sight and out of her life.

"Better put some warm clothes on...........!" He clattered across the landing to the top of the stairs.

Amber sat still on the edge of the bed for a minute. The child inside her felt different suddenly. Tighter in her distended belly. Lower and also, somehow and heavier. Sweat cooled on her shoulders, shivery runnels of moisture ran down her legs.

Warm clothes! Yes.......... !

She stood up unsteadily.

Now! Coat and comfortable old shoes on quickly before he comes back! That will do! Soon be out of 'em anyway!

.............................

Surprisingly the car did start. In spite of everything. He revved the engine and adjusted the choke, feeling the uneven beat slow and steady in a cloud of steam and half burnt petrol smoke.

Amber, in the doorway, fastened her coat hastily.

"Are....... are you ready. Have you got everything……......?"

The door on the passenger side hung wide.

"Yes! And Mart……you ……you do know it's not yours, don't you?" she asked, the engine's note vibrant and loud.

"What? Oh yes, I know! But I thought we could...."

"We've been through all that!" she snapped. "Loads of times and anyway......"

"It is going to be adopted. Yes you told me" he shrugged. "Even so. I reckon we could......"

"No! It is too late for that now………. Everything is arranged!"

“But……..”

Adopted indeed! The very idea made her quiver with indignation.

But she wouldn’t be telling him that!

“Just leave it!”

With a shrug of resignation he guided the car along the deserted road. They had not gone a hundred yards before the rain began.

.........................

At the far end of the alley the saturated street lay deserted. She hesitated for a moment before stepping onto the pavement. She had no desire to meet a car full of drunken teenagers - or the police. It would take a bit of explaining, she thought. Naked and very pregnant in an alleyway on one of the wettest night of the year. And in the early stages of labour!

Her eyes scanned the houses on the opposite side of the road. Here and there a light showed dimly in an upper window. Dull and colourless and depressing. Even the streetlights seemed sullen and dimmed in this part of town.

Darkly a familiar doorway beckoned.

She paused, listening at the edge of the street. Apart from the swish and clatter of rain there were no other sounds.

Briefly she considered going back to look for her coat, hesitating just long enough to know she had no need of it. She couldn't remember exactly where she'd dropped it anyway, only that at some point its weight no longer lay across her shoulders.

Oh why bother, she decided. There is no one about and in half a dozen strides I shall be across the road and at the doorway of my old home

She listened again.

From somewhere the familiar thumping beat of over amplified music reverberated. She took a step backwards, behind the hard edge of darkness cut by the angle of the brick wall. The alleyway clothed her instantly in close fitting velvet shadows.

The rhythmic thumping grew louder.

Louder to a pitch which hurt her ears momentarily as the car swished greyly along the street, its occupants oblivious to anything except their momentum and the thunderous, rolling, pounding sound.

Briefly the reflected light from one crooked headlamp lit her. Then the vehicle swept past the end of the alleyway and in an instant was gone.


Steadily the thumping music diminished until the drumming rain on the pavement overpowered it again.

At the end of the alley, in the orange glow of the streetlight Amber waited, enjoying the thrash of rain on her body. Rain, Oh Rain! So fresh and wonderful! It smashed against her relentlessly. Her skin, tingling with an earthy cleanliness she'd never experienced before, felt at the same time both warm and cool and for once in her life a living thing. She raised her arms above her head again, her pointing fingers reaching for the clouds.

Time to go!

The rain was cooler away from the buildings, needle sharp and urgent against her skin. Boldly she stepped out into the street and in seven paces she reached the familiar doorway, instantly feeling its shelter steal some of the strength of the storm

She was not surprised to find the door unlocked. Almost as if it knew!

She pushed it open, feeling a rush of warm air swirl around her. Vaguely familiar, half forgotten odours. A breathlessly thin dusty silence.

The cavernous hallway loomed blackly after the yellow glare of the streetlights.

Behind her the door clicked shut automatically and somewhere ahead a flight of stairs loomed darkly. She pictured the hallway in her mind. Long and L shaped with a big door at the end. Stairs nearer the front, on the right hand side before the archway.

In the gloom she half saw, half sensed them, her hovering right foot gently finding the bottom tread.

Warm arm currents moved against her body. Somewhere above her a door opened and a shaft of pale light illuminated an upper floor. A voice called out indistinctly but obviously a question. Another answered as Amber hesitated, uncertain what to do.

"Amberrrrr!" a resonant voice above her, close at hand. A shadowy figure leaned over the banister and beckoned. "Come straight up my dear!"

She reached the top of the stairs seeing no one but hearing the voices speaking to her, arguing with each other, back and forth, inside her head. A floorboard creaked and somewhere a door slammed distantly. She sensed the movement of warm air again, caught the scent of a room which she remembered from her childhood. A room with a huge bed in it, a wardrobe, a dressing table and, by the fireplace, her old wingbacked armchair.

When she found the room it was as if she had been in it all her life, had never left it to go off with Marty, Nick, Jonesey, or any one of a dozen other men. As familiar as that old coat which she had so recently discarded. As comforting as the feel of her fingers flexing and pressing lightly in her own pubic hair. When she found the room its curtains were drawn, shutting out the night, the soiled streetlamp light and the sporadic, fitful lash of rain.

A fire burned in the grate of the fireplace at one end of the room where an old woman sat motionless on a chair. In the rest of the room and almost filling it entirely, stood an immense and ancient four poster bed.

It was the same bed in which Amber had been born exactly eighteen years ago, the bed in which her mother had been born, her grandmother and great grandmother before that. Now it was her turn to give birth in that bed. She was after all only keeping up a tradition.

Slowly the old woman rose for the chair.

Welcome home Amber!” she said.

 

© Aahlu. 15.03.10

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