Sometime around mid morning everyone who had said anything either useful or incriminating suddenly and for no apparent reason decided they were wrong in their assertions. Most performed abrupt right angled turns in their proclaimed direction; one or two fell to sobbing quietly in the ladies powder room on the third floor, some indeed going on to leap from the window. Only one individual stuck, not only to his guns but to the side of his begging bowl also. He was of course the infamous blind leper W Dave.

His secret was to go backwards and I don’t mind telling you that. You can go backwards for quite a long way before you get into and serious bother and encounter someone like W Dave or whatever he reckoned his name really is. Personally I suspect he was someone with a grudge against very nearly everyone including all the famous dead people he could think of. Especially most of those buried in Paris’s world renown graveyards. Because, as everyone knows, all dead people in France are poufs.

It is the blind leper who crawls to sleep in Marjorie and John’s basement doorway you understand. He only does it when Marjorie and John are not at home. He could never do it when they were at home of course because, first of all the door would be locked and second of all Marjorie and John’s little terrier dog “Danger” would be there to look after things.

It came as something of a surprise to them both then, when, upon letting “Danger” back into the house in the morning they discovered he had a fully erect and rather obnoxious looking penis in his possession.

Between his jaws in fact.

Both of them.

You may well laugh but it must obviously have been painful for somebody. I mean how would you feel if a nasty little brown and white terrier dog came along and bit off your private parts?

Yes, I thought so. And yes, it did look like someone had been going backwards at the time. Rapidly by the look of things! The owner of the penis no less, hotly pursued my Marjorie and Hitler’s little dog. Sorry! I’m in a funny mood tonight. Too much sun and semen over the weekend has altogether agreed with me. Now I have a speech impediment, but only when I speak, a sunburned backside and a long bit of electrician’s tape around the end of my left index finger. No, I am not going to tell you how I got that!

Right! Where was I? speech impendiments? No……cheese?…... chocolate? Defective Title insurance? Ah! That was it! I remember! The somewhat chewed detached penis……….

John managed to extract the topic of our tale from his dogs slavering jaws (and if I am making a nasty little brown and white Jack Russel terrier sound more like Old Shuck, that is entirely intentional) We do have to have a touch of silly humour sometimes, don’t we?

We do! Because sex is too good an invention to be left exclusively in the bedroom, except if you are a blind leper of course, in which case you probably leave bits of it all over the place.

“It’s a helluva good sized one, isn’t it?” Marjorie enquired excitedly.

John nodded gloomily. He’d hoped there would be no dialogue in the story at all because he was sick and tired of all the inverted commas and double spacing you get with those dialogue things.

“Robust!” Marjorie went on prodding the penis experimentally with a forefinger. She thought at first it was a fake one you see and it was not until John showed her the back of it that she realised it was real.

“Give it here!” she demanded sharply and dutifully John did.

But not before he’d taken his own member out and made a quick comparison with it.

Which he immediately saw was pitiful.

“Damn!” he said to himself, his left heel kicking backwards against the chamber pot resoundingly, “If she finds out she’ll want that one more than me”

Truly, penis envy is not the reserve of the well hung, the sane or even of the leper. Verily I say unto you, even an man such as John can get it

Then suddenly John had a brainwave.

“Is it any wonder he went blind!” he shrieked, squeezing the things bulging knackers, “when he spent most of his life wanking?”

© Aahlu. 12.07.10.

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