Sometimes a day starts out bad and just gets worse. Wednesday was one such day. When these days happen I find it is best to go off somewhere warm, dark and quiet, and preferably furnished with lots of chocolate and hot milky tea. Such refinements should not be expected however as that self same expectation can easily exacerbate an already fraught situation, possibly even the one which caused said W.D.P. to be sought in the first place. In addition one must always bear in mind the words of that master of aggravations, the infamous English tea drinker and champion grumbler – ME. The words are:

"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed"

So Wednesday was one such a day, a typical example of what I am talking about. A summer tease, some might say. A day when the office ought to be shut and the occupants otherwise engaged on the nearest beach. Instead the aggravation began at 6.10 am when the toaster incinerated my two slices of granary instead of simply toasting them. Upon removing the offending charcoal to give to the birds I received burnt fingers and a glancing blow from a patio door which decided to close itself because of the wind. Further attempts to toast bread resulted in a blown fuse in the toaster plug, a large quantity of blackened crumbs on the kitchen floor and several rudely awakened, exasperated cats.

Chocolate was sought, found and consumed at this point. Tea was made and distributed, (a thankless task when one’s largely still asleep, mostly naked and very grumpy Everloving is concerned)

At 7.30 the pc under the stairs began to be troublesome. This is the one which I built myself and which runs this house, more or less, or at least tries to, when it is working ok. Our broadband connection is routed through it, so it runs continuously and is cooled via a system of ducts under the floor.

Recent upgrades to both soft and hard wares in this machine have resulted in it being a bit wayward, not to say extremely bloody minded at times. This mornings little tantrum came about after an attempt to install remote access software in addition to the usb peripherals already in use on it. Blue screens were noted for almost an hour and large hammers, axes and sundry demolition items were called for and held in readiness for correcting the problems should they persist.

After the offending program had been removed and placed for safe keeping in a specially designated hole in the garden and the accompanying hardware, to wit, one wireless mouse, reduced to particles of less than one angstrom in diameter with a hammer and anvil in the forge, all seemed well again. The apparition of a largely demented, dustbin wielding Everloving sweeping majestically across the back lawn did little to lighten the tension of the moment, I have to tell you!

At 8.10 the first laptop crashed. I was attempting to synchronise diaries at the time. There was no apparent cause for the crash other than, possibly, the spyware which I installed the day before yesterday. Re-booting did nothing so explosives and heavy lifting equipment were called for. For some reason the laptop would neither run nor allow itself to be switched off. In the end the only cure was to remove its battery. This was done and the machine tried on mains only. The fault however persisted and the whole setup has been reboxed and will be returned to the manufacturers for demolition at their expense.

Then, just after tea break, the home pc indicated that the radio link was down, although all the lights were still on at the server. When laptop number two crashed as well. I began to suspect we had collected a virus from somewhere, although neither Norton nor AVG indicated that this was the case. Again I resorted to battery disconnection to remedy the situation which, luckily for the laptop (whose guarantee has expired) this did the trick and the machine is now running again. The home pc suffered a good kicking and seemed to buck up considerably after that, although I didn't try any bluetooth connections.

Arguments with cats, milkmen, pot plants, sofas and other family members indispersed these frustrations and several large mugs of tea were hastily and noisily consumed, spilt or left to go cold, depending upon the drinker and the type of mug. Dire threats were made and questions asked regarding the ancestry of the software manufacturers, hardware builders and so on. A semi naked wife was rounded up and utilised to send frantic emails hither and yon via a prehistoric but utterly fault free clockwork 186 running Windows 35 on a dial up connection. An absolutely stand alone everything and utterly infallible! Several cats were shouted at, chased and shut outside in the warm summer rain and large orders for Vallium sandwiches placed with the caterers.

The moral is, I think, well morals if you like are: 1) Always keep a good stock of chocolate in the house. 2) Expect the worst then you will not be disappointed when it happens. (You may be pleasantly surprised if it does not but this is unlikely) No I am a realist not a pessimist, There is a difference. 3) Never believe anything software manufacturers tell you. 4) Never believe anything hardware manufacturers tell you. 5) Never believe anything your cats tell you.

Lifetimes can be wasted on such days as these, eons even, the end result being little more than scuffed carpets irate acquaintances and a few more dents in the doors and furniture.

At 9.00 all appeared to be running as it should. I am not holding my breath however. One of the wetter cats has brought a shrew indoors to eat and I, toastless and bearing a patio door shaped bruise, am feeling famished. A good many expected emails have got lost and one of the printers now prints in Egyptian. A shredded garment, loosely resembling a brassiere has been removed from one of the home computers cooling ducts and the mouldering remnants of the long dead and much eaten rodent which was discovered with it, disposed of down the loo. The Valium sandwiches which had been ordered earlier arrived but were sent back because they were on white bread and my personal secretary, arriving late for her day as always, had a fit of the giggles upon seeing my Everloving topless at her workstation. Ribald remarks focusing upon Friesian heifers did the rounds briefly. I reminded them both that this was supposed to be a workplace but enquiries were then made regarding a possible new dress code, after which their summer tease continued intermittently for the rest of the day.

Today I am considering issuing lacy sports bras to all the secretaries……

© Aahlu 2010.

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